Broken One
by OceanicShadows
Summary: A mission takes a bad turn because of miscommunication and Ezra is blamed. He starts to distance himself from the others, and becomes very self-critical, thinking that he's causing every mission to become a failure. Will the crew be able to help him or will Kanan lose his padawan?
1. Chapter 1: Mission Askew

**** Hey guys! A friend of mine asked me to write this one, she's been going through a tough time with the death of her mom and a good character torture is what she needs. Her family is grieving as well, but my friend is the target of their venting so she's feeling really down in the dumps. She hopes that you enjoy it** **** ~Ocean**

 **Here For A Reason**

 **Chapter 1: Mission Askew**

The crew minus Hera and Chopper stood in the cargo hold catching their breath, leaning on their collected crates. The mission had almost ended with everyone losing their lives because of early detonation.

Kanan was the first to stand straight and talk. His eyes focused on his student. He wasn't in a good mood and Ezra could tell through the force and seeing the look on his master's face. The young padawan didn't understand why it was directed at him though.

"Why didn't you follow the plan Spectre 6? The mission was simple: Plant the bombs, gather the supplies, blow up the base. In that _exact_ order." He shouted at the youth who looked up at him, still breathing hard. Ezra flinched hearing his code name instead of his nickname or name.

"You never listen and you're reckless! We lost the shield generators, fuel cells and almost our lives because of your lack of focus and discipline!" Kanan continued to lay into the youth.

He didn't give Ezra a second to explain or even come back with a witty remark. The older human was up the ladder and leaving the room; he needed to find another way to blow off steam before he said something he didn't mean. Kanan failed to realize that he had already dealt a powerful blow to his student.

Sabine had removed her helmet, and looked at the boy with a sad, disappointed face before shaking her head and leaving as well without saying a word. He had been doing well tonight, she didn't understand why he had to set off the explosions early.

"Sabine, come on I…" Ezra watched her go, feeling a heavy pressure on his shoulder and a few claws digging into his skin.

"Way to go brat! Now how are we going to eat! Don't even _think_ you're sleeping in my room tonight!" Zeb shoved him backwards into the shut ramp as hard as he could, before leaving the teenager alone. They were all frustrated at the situation. The ship was low on all supplies and this was their chance to fix that issue.

Ezra sat on the ground, leaning against the cold metal, dazed for a moment; his head spun and he could feel blood still seeping from a wound he had received on the field. The youth brought his knees to his chest, still not understanding what he had done to deserve the hostility from his friends.

* * *

During their mission to gather Imperial supplies, it had started out perfectly to plan. Everything was going smoothly, until their mission had got completely in the wrong direction.

Ezra was placing detonators on one side of the facility while Sabine planted hers on the other side. Their goal was to stay 180 degrees apart, ending at their much needed supplies, before heading to the agreed meeting point. He was placing his last bomb on a walker when he received a transmission from Sabine.

"Spectre 6. Are you done yet?" Her words were very crackled, but she kept her voice low. Security was low, but she didn't want to cause any alarms to go off. She had a running bet with Zeb that her and Ezra could have a flawless completion of the teenagers' part of the mission.

Ezra cursed softly, his com had been acting up. He shook the small metal link tapping it against his palm to try and shake the imaginary bugs out of it. The youth had just managed to understand what Sabine had asked. He didn't want to have to ask her to repeat herself.

The teenager had tried to tell the others about his comlink issue, but they didn't listen, teasing him and calling him a scaredy loth-cat since this was his first time away from Kanan, planting explosives out in the open, and not in a vent shaft.

It was all fun in games and normally Ezra would have shrugged it off as harmless play but this time was different. This time the words of his friends caused a wound to open up inside of him that wasn't visible to anyone else, not even Kanan. He had been depressed since news of his parents; no matter how he tried to let it go, it was still a very sore subject and affected all of his thinking. Mainly the thinking involved with criticism from his master and the other Spectres.

"Just put the last one on. Heading to get the Fuel cells and then getting back to the meeting point." He replied with his normal cocky grin plastered to his face.

This mission was going perfectly, he hoped that Kanan would be proud that he hadn't messed one up for once. As the battles waged on, Kanan was getting more and more serious and seemed to have less time for joking around or his fun remarks that could cause most to smile.

He turned to start walking to his new task. About 50 feet away, were five fuel cells resting on a hover cart. He smiled, silently thanking the Empire for making his job easier.

"…Leave them…Start the detonations when I say…" Kanan's voice chimed in causing much confusion for the boy. Ezra stopped walking trying to run what he just heard through his head again. Had he heard right? The plans changed, when had the plans changed? Why were they leaving the fuel cells? They hadn't been caught or seen, and the alarms weren't blaring.

"Spectre 1? Are you sure? The canisters are an easy pick up." Ezra spoke into the mic, questioning his master's new orders. He didn't realize that it had malfunctioned and wasn't sending any transmissions.

"...Now…" Came the crackly voice; it sounded calm but commanding.

Ezra hesitated; He didn't want to get yelled at for not listening. Ezra looked at the fuel cells ahead of him and sighed.

"Okay…I don't know what you're thinking Kanan…but okay." Ezra commented quietly to himself.

Not wanting to upset his master, he hit the detonation switch in his hand failing to think about how close he was to the 30 some-odd bombs he had just put out and the five cells in front of him. Everything lit up around him. The fuel cells caused an even bigger explosion when the flames hit. Ezra had been too close to everything and was knocked back hard into a walker that had just exploded.

Ezra was dazed, his ears ringing and his vision blinded. He could feel the heat around him and the alarms going off. Sabine came running past with her pistols out shooting at incoming bucket heads that had started to run out. She stopped when she saw him, coming over and hauling him up.

"What happened?" She checked him over, besides a little singed and dazed he looked fine. Ezra was trying to focus on her and wasn't speaking.

"Now isn't the time to be laying around Kid! Let's go before the rest of the detonators go up!" Zeb said as he ran past them.

"Come on kid!" The older teen helped up the blue eyed youth. The two ran, Ezra still trying to regaining his consciousness.

With the alarms sounding, the Rebels had to make a mad dash through flames and Stormtroopers swarming like fire ants, blasting away at them.

They had barely made it onto the ship before the flames hit remaining detonators.

The blame was put on the youngest Spectre.

* * *

Ezra finally got up and climbed the ladder. The teen had to stand still for several moments, willing away the spinning room. He gripped the wall tightly to give him some kind of connection and stability with something solid. His body ached from being slammed into the hunk of metal but he ignored the pain. He refused to say anything in fear of the others commenting about how he had just cost them a lot of resources.

Spectre 6 passed through the commons on his way to find some place he could sit and be alone. He glanced up at everyone to see if they were still mad. He wanted to explain what happened but knew no one would listen right now. Kanan wasn't even in the room but he most likely wouldn't listen as well.

Hera was making up for his master's absence, sitting in the oversized chair, giving him a sad look of disappointment. Next to her, Chopper threatened him with his Taser and Sabine wouldn't look at him. The Lesat just growled, grumbling something about eating Ezra for dinner.

Ezra's head dropped and he left the room as silently as he had come in. Maybe it was his fault.

Hera saw the look on his face and the way his body language changed as he left. This wasn't the Ezra she knew; Ezra should have gotten defensive even if it was his fault. Defense was the youth's safety mechanism. He would have snapped back at all of them or made some kind of sarcastic comment. She knew then that something had gone wrong and it wasn't Ezra's fault.


	2. Chapter 2: Harsh Accusations

****Hope you're enjoying** **. ** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 2: Harsh Accusations**

When Hera landed the _Ghost_ later on that evening, Ezra left his hiding place and made his way towards the empty cargo hold. The youngling, had somehow formulated that the failed mission was in fact his fault and that he needed to be punished in some way. He was going to go out into town now to see if he could make up for losing the supplies.

On the way through, he passed by the cockpit, stopping as he heard the adults talking. The youth put his ear against the door to listen in. If they were going to give him chores because of what he did, maybe he could start now. Usually, Hera would have a long list; If Ezra started, they wouldn't be as mad at him right?

"Kanan, he's just a kid. He made a mistake, sure, but you don't have to be so harsh on him. Just be glad there were no casualties. We'll get the items somewhere else. Besides, I don't think it was his fault at all. Did you see the look he had? He's not acting the same as he normally would. He seems…displaced and confused. Surely you can sense that." Hera gently spoke, trying to calm down her friend.

"Kid or not, he went too far this time Hera. This wasn't a usual mistake of his. Usually he just does something careless that can be fixed with minor adjustments to the plan; this time he flat out went against the plan. His directives were clear and precise. An infant could have carried them out. I can't have him endangering everyone if this is what he's going to do. Maybe it was a mistake to bring him on the ship. If he keeps this up, something will need to be done." The harsh voice of a pissed of Jedi echoed through the door causing the youth to back away.

He could feel Kanan's anger and frustration, the youth looked down. He had failed his master. Ezra didn't need to hear anymore. He left the area, leaving the ship soon after. He needed to clear his head and get away from everyone. Ezra knew he had messed up big this time; everyone hated him now, he was a worthless asset to the crew and a danger to them.

Kanan and Hera came out of the cockpit. The Jedi's arms were crossed in childish frustration; Hera's were crossed gently in concern. Kanan started to walk away but she gently reached out and grabbed his arm stopping him and turning him around.

"Did you even listen to his side of the story love? Maybe there was something that happened to cause the detonations. Maybe he didn't hear the directives clear enough. I'm telling you, something is wrong with this whole situation." Hera was being the voice of reason. The Jedi chose not to listen, she hadn't given him time to sort out his emotions and feelings. One more hour of meditation and he would have been calm and rational.

"His side? What side is that? The side where he tried to kill all of us? Sabine told him specifically to meet at rendezvous. She said he confirmed and then BOOM. The place lights up." He was still mad at the boy. He leaned against the doorframe with his arms remaining crossed.

"How can I even train him when he doesn't show any signs of wanting to improve? I'm starting to regret all of this." He shut his eyes taking a deep breath.

He had regretted those words immediately and started to force himself to calm down. Ezra wasn't a mistake; it was just complicated trying to work with someone as reckless as him when he was that age. When he opened them Hera was right in his face.

"Now you listen to me Kanan Jarrus. I know that kid better than you if you think for one second that he would sabotage a mission like this for the hell of it. I'm telling you, something went wrong. Now, I'm ordering you to go find out what really happened out there." She enunciated a lot of her words by poking her long slender finger hard into his chest. She turned and went back into her cockpit shutting the door leaving a wide-eyed Jedi watching after her.

"Yes _Captain Hera_." He said sarcastically, still angry. He knew that Hera hated when he called her that.

"I heard that. Get." He looked back at the closed door before he left heading for the commons.

Sabine and Ezra had partnered-up for this mission, so he started there. He knocked before opening her cabin door and walking in. He watched her for a minute waiting for her to finish her current art piece. The Mandalorian got to a stopping point and turned around.

"What did you need?" She asked, her anger and disappointment was gone. She had learned to let things like this go, after turning it into art of course. Her currently drawing was a depiction of Stormtroopers running around as caricatures with purple flames with Ezra standing on top of a walker laughing. It made light out of their situation.

"Hera told me to find out what happened. Did you confirm, with the kid, the plan? Was he acting differently? Goofing off? Being unfocused and reckless?" He asked feeling that this was a waste of his time. Of course Ezra was doing something he wasn't supposed to. His padawan always was.

"Yeah, and he sounded like he was all good. He had finished the detonator and told me that he was heading to collect the fuel cells. Maybe he tripped and hit the button? You know how touchy those things are. As far as goofing off, no. He was on ball tonight Kanan. He finished before I did." Sabine said. She was on Hera's side, but at the same, time remained a neutral party right now, just giving facts. Kanan was pretty scary when he was upset with them.

Kanan left without another word. He went to the boys' cabin and found the sleeping Lesat deciding to let him sleep. He walked around looking for Ezra before giving up as well. The Jedi left the ship to get some fresh air and clear his mind. Maybe something had happened to cause the pre-signaled explosion.

As he walked down, Ezra was walking up. He saw his master and unconsciously crossed his arms into himself in a guarding gesture, looking down. He walked passed Kanan planning on making a dash for the storage room he had picked as his hideout. Kanan frowned slightly when he sensed Ezra's fear, of him?

"We need to talk." Ezra flinched. He hated those words coming from Kanan.

"About what?" He knew what about. Kanan was going to kick him off the ship. His voice was a little cockier than he had planned. Honestly, Ezra was trying to keep his voice neutral but it was a defense mechanism and right now, the teen was scared.

"You know what? I don't appreciate your attitude kid. None of us do. Now tell me why you hit the detonator switch before you were told to do so." The older human raised his voice not wanting his student to be disrespectful. Kanan unfortunately still had a short fuse after all these years and lacked patience.

"Because I did what I was told to do. You told me to do it, so I did. Not my problem you gave the command at the wrong time." Ezra snapped. He was hurting, physically and mentally and like a trapped animal he lashed out at the person cornering him.

Kanan glared daggers. He was trying to pin this on him? Not once had Kanan even contacted him during the mission. Or at least that's what he thought.

"I did no such thing. You need to own up to your own fucking mistakes and stop hiding behind made up excuses and blaming everyone else." The Jedi snapped back a lot harsher than intended, but he didn't realize this. Ezra was fixing to say something but lost his confidence and gave up.

"It's not an excuse…" With that he turned and went to his room getting something before Zeb woke up and saw him. He left, heading to the nearby empty storage room he had found. It was a place that he could be alone and not get yelled at.

Kanan half sighed and half growled in frustration before stomping off the ship. He found a large rock and sat down taking in a large breath of fresh air to calm his nerves and his frustration. Kanan shut his eyes. When he let it out, he let go of the negativity, his whole body and persona relaxing.

With his mind cleared, he could feel the displacement and confusion that Ezra had. Tomorrow, after they had both had their space, Kanan would revisit the situation. He felt bad for being as harsh as he was and thinking some of the things he did. Ezra was a good student, he just happened to attract trouble. Most of the time, Kanan was very proud of him.


	3. Chapter 3: Motherly Protection

**** Hey everyone! Looks like everyone is enjoying this story. My friend is, she said that it actually reminds her of me a few years back. She's doing as well as to be expected and says thank you for all the nice comments left to her. Enjoy!** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 3: Motherly Protection**

No one saw Ezra that night or the majority of the following day. When they did see him, it was simply glimpses when he went to the fresher, or to grab a ration bar. Kanan figured that he was still upset about the previous day and still needed to cool down. The Jedi had another priority currently.

They had soon found a new location to get their much needed supplies. Knowing his student wasn't in his best game, Kanan decided to leave Ezra with Hera, not wanting to take any risk of things going wrong The three others left to carry out the plan.

Hera had grown rather concerned at the youth's behavior. Normally, Ezra bounced back faster than this; Even after finding out about his parents. Knowing she had time before the others would need a pick up, she made sure she had the hand held com on her before leaving to find the kid.

It took a while, but Hera finally found him in one of the storage rooms curled up sleeping. He woke as soon as the door opened. He looked away immediately, thinking he was in trouble with her for doing, or not doing, something. He had moved all the boxes to the side so he didn't crush them; He made sure he didn't make a mess; His mind reeled trying to think of what he had done.

"Hey, let's talk." She said softly seeing the slight fear in the boy's eyes. There was something else there, but the Twi-lek couldn't discern it. Something else was going on and if Kanan wasn't going to find out what it was, that left her.

Ezra didn't say a word, but got up and followed her to the commons sitting down, not looking at her. He picked at the edge of the checkered table silently waiting for her to lecture him, or tell him what chores he needed to do, or tell him that he needed to get his stuff and leave. Instead, she heated up two drinks and put one in front of him before sitting down across from him.

"So spill. Tell me what happened out there last night. Everything seemed like it was going fine, and then it wasn't." She kept her motherly voice soft knowing that the youth had been yelled at enough for this. Ezra didn't try any of his sarcastic remarks or questioning. He just sighed and started to explain glad that someone seemed to care still.

"I had set the last detonator and confirmed with Sabine. My com was acting up so she was hard to understand, had been acting up all night. When I was fixing to get the fuel cells, Kanan came over the com and said to leave them and blow up the place on his command. I asked for confirmation and he told me 'now' so I did…I really don't know what I did wrong Hera…I did what Kanan told me to do. Is he that desperate to get rid of me? If I do something I'm supposed to it's not good enough…and when I don't it's worse." Hera knew he was sincere and telling the truth.

He had nothing to hide from her. Hera had been listening to everyone talking over the comlinks last night. She brought her hands to her chin trying to recall last night's events. She thought back to conversations before it dawned on her what had actually happened.

* * *

Zeb had found a crate full of blasters and was currently trying to get the lift to work.

"Zeb, _Leave them_. We need to _get ready to start detonations when I say_." Kanan snipped slightly. He wanted this to be a flawless mission. The blasters would be too time consuming right now and they weren't a priority. The Jedi didn't realize that he had hit the continuous transmission button on the link.

He looked over to see Zeb still trying to fiddle with it.

"These will go for a lot on the black market." Zeb tried again, he hit the crate in frustration. His communications came on with just some static before going off line again. He figured he had accidentally touched the button.

"No, _Now_ Zeb." Kanan said. Shortly after is when the explosions hit outside of the building.

* * *

"I tried to tell Kanan, but he told me to own up to my mistakes and stop making up excuses…" Hera looked him over. Her anger towards her partner was growing by the minute.

Ezra still hadn't looked at her, or touched his drink. That's when she noticed it.

She quickly reached over and touched a discolored patch on his shoulder before getting up, starting to check him over,finally looking at the back of his head. The youth's raven black hair was matted thickly with dried blood from a nasty wound; his jacket was stained in dried blood from earlier. Why had no one seen this? Why had his master not noticed?

"What happened?" She saw Ezra flinch as she gently touched the area. She didn't give him a chance to respond.

"Ezra, you should have told someone. This needs to be taken care of it's a pretty bad injury and if it got infected you'd get sick, or if you cracked your skull, it would be worse…now what happened Hon?" She softened her voice as much as possible to let him know she wasn't mad.

"When Kanan said to set off the detonators I was too close and got thrown when the fuel cells caught fire. I didn't tell anyone, because no one seemed to care. I'm fine Hera…" Ezra didn't want to give Kanan anything else to be mad at him about.

"Ready for pick up Spectre 2." Hera sighed looking at Ezra. Sooner than she expected, but this conversation wasn't over.

"I'm on my way Spectre 1." She looked at Ezra.

"I'll take care of it when we get landed. Don't worry about Kanan, I'll deal with him." She turned and walked out. Ezra hesitated before he followed her, feeling protected around Hera right now. If she was going to tell Kanan…, Ezra felt the fear rising up again at the thought. He entered the cockpit with her and sat down in the co-pilot's chair staying silent.

* * *

With the ramp open, the crew boarded with their newly found goods as quickly as possible. No alarms were going off; they had actually pulled it off. The ramp shut as the _Ghost_ took off again.

"That is how a mission is supposed to go. No issues, good work everyone. We should be good to go for at least a few weeks now." Kanan smiled before sensing a slight disturbance. He felt an almost chilling anger on the ship.

He looked up to see Hera. The Twi-lek's arms were crossed and she carried a heavy glare.

"Looks like someone is in trouble, mate." Zeb said elbowing Kanan in the ribs, giving him a wink. Kanan looked over to him as he scaled the ladder and followed Hera. He had no clue what was going on. What had Ezra done this time? Whatever it was, they were going to have a serious lecture.

The pilot silently, but angrily walked into her cockpit waiting for Kanan to join her. Once the door was shut, Kanan looked over to see Ezra, who was not looking at them and seemed to sink lower into the chair when he sensed his master enter.

"What's going on? What did he do now?" Kanan started to ask, his eyes narrowing into a glare. If Ezra had done something, he would be punished this time. Enough was enough

"What's going on? What's going on? Don't you know?" She started in, raising her voice, causing the surprised human to back up holding his hands up in defense.

"Why don't you ask your student?" Ezra flinched, Kanan saw. His eyes narrowed slightly again wondering what he had done to make her this upset.

"Ezra, what did you do?" Kanan said in a lecturing voice. The youth remained silent sinking as low as he possibly could, turning the chair so he wasn't seen.

"Ezra did nothing. You should know that but, oh wait, you don't know how to listen to him. Did you even know he was injured last night? Or were you too caught up in your own anger to notice? What about talking to him about what happened? Did you bother listening to the whole story? Did you even listen?" The Jedi had never seen Hera this mad before. If she could change colors, her face would be red with rage.

"He's injured? Kid, why didn't you tell me? I would have.." Hera cut him off with a small shove to his chest. Her head tails swished angrily and her hand gestures were scary on their own terms.

"You would have what? Been nicer to him. Kanan it's your own damn fault the explosions went off. I know I heard him tell you _AND_ Zeb that his link wasn't working properly and you blew it off as some kind of joke. It linked into your conversation with Zeb when you told him to leave the blasters and just detonate them and then when he tried to confirm the change in plans it failed to transmit." Kanan looked like a deer in the headlights when all this finally dawned on him.

He looked over at Ezra's chair with a sad, guilty expression.

"I'm sorry kid...I didn't know." Hera wasn't done. She walked back and grabbed Ezra a little more roughly than intended and drug the frightened youth over, forcing him to turn around so Kanan could see his injury.

"If his communications link hadn't failed, he would've been a safe distance away when the explosions went off and this" She said pulling up Ezra's hair, gently but quickly, showing a deep gash at the base of his neck.

"Wouldn't have happened. In fact, the whole mission would have gone according to plan." She let go of Ezra who backed away from her and his master slightly fearful of repercussion right now. He didn't know that Hera was going to be this forceful about the situation. He wanted to leave, but Kanan was blocking the only exit.

"If I were you. I would stop making your own damn excuses and learn to listen." Before he could say anything else Hera grabbed his padawan and dragged him out to go get the injury taken care of, leaving Kanan there trying to piece everything together.


	4. Chapter 4: Another Failure

**** Hey guys! Hope you're still enjoying. One of the next chapters is going to be graphic. If someone feels that I need to change the rating please let me know so I can do so! I think it will be fine, I've seen worse rated as a 'K' rating. Enjoy!** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 4: Another Failure**

Ezra hissed in pain as Hera blotted the wound with disinfectant. She had managed to untangle and clean the matted hair out without having to cut a lot of his hair. In fact, it wasn't even noticeable until you lifted up a few layers. The Twi-lek's whole demeanor had switched back to her normal, motherly self as she took care of the boy before her.

"Hold still, I know it stings but it needs to be cleaned." She cooed softly to him, blowing gently on the wound to help the burning stop.

"You're lucky you didn't crack your skull or break your neck. I guess you really are hard headed." She said with a small smiled. She dabbed the disinfectant on again, earning another wince.

"I guess..." The youth hadn't perked up yet and stayed quiet. This time, the harsh words of his master had really hurt him. Kanan didn't trust him, Ezra could see that now.

"We'll be stationed on this planet, while we complete several small assignments for the next two months or so. It will be a nice break don't you think? Lots of fresh air and room." Hera was trying to get him to open up and just talk, the silence was driving her crazy.

Ezra was fixing to answer when Kanan came into the room. Ezra shut his mouth and looked away.

The older Jedi frowned when he saw had bad the injury was and the reaction his student gave him. Kanan had screwed up royally this time. He glanced around, noticing that there was a pile of bloody gauze starting to fill the trash can. With Hera messing with it so much, the gash had reopened and was bleeding again. Kanan gave her a silent motion that he wanted to speak to him alone. She nodded.

"I'm going to go get a few more bandages and the stitching kit. I'll be right back." She gave Kanan a look that dared him to inflict any more emotional damage on the youth before leaving. As soon as she did, Kanan felt Ezra's fear rise slightly, making him feel even more guilty.

The older human walked over, taking a seat across from Ezra. In silence, Kanan held out his hand; he was holding something. Ezra looked at it but didn't return the gesture to receive what he had. Kanan finally sighed and set down a new communications link on the table.

"It's to replace your broken one. I found yours on the table and checked it out. Some of the wiring was fried. I'm sorry kid. If I had known, I wouldn't have treated you as badly as I did. I shouldn't have acted so harshly to begin with; I was frustrated with the situation and took it out on you. I'm to blame solely on this one. Sabine said you did really good though, that you even finished setting your half of the bombs before she had. Good job." Kanan was really trying. It was his fault this happened, not Ezra's. He needed to find some way to make it up to him.

"It's fine, master. I'm over it." Ezra lied not looking up. He wanted Kanan to just leave; the youth felt like he was having to walk on egg shells these days to keep his master from blowing up at him. They had become more involved with the war, and it was causing much stress on the older human. Kanan never was good with patience.

"Alright. We're going to be here a while, let's have a Jedi lesson tomorrow, we have plenty of room. We can make it fun. You can practice deflecting things at Chopper and Zeb for a change. How about that?" Kanan was being sarcastic, but if Ezra agreed, he might actually consider it.

"Sure…master…" Kanan's guilt was growing. The tone of his voice and the use of the word master sucker punched him hard in the chest. Ezra's voice was very solemn.

Hera came back in, setting her kit down.

"I'm afraid I couldn't find any local, but I'll try to be quick." Kanan moved out of the way and watched for a little bit. Just enough to see that Ezra didn't even flinch in pain when Hera stuck him repeatedly 1, 2, 3, 10 tiny, delicate stitches. Ezra's master finally left knowing that there would be no further conversation.

* * *

When Hera was done, Ezra left her, going to his room, ignoring the Lesat trying to talk to him about not going into the room. The youth climbed up into his bed and curled up as tight as he could. He reached under his pillow and drew out a small silver-toned blade, gripping it for a few moments. It gave him control and calm. It had become his only friend on the ship but no one could know. He slipped it back under when he heard the door open.

"You awake Kid?" Zeb tried to sound nice. Kanan had just told him everything and he felt bad about shoving him. Ezra didn't answer, he didn't want to talk to anyone else. Zeb assumed he was asleep, not wanting to have remember to apologize later he just spoke figuring it would be fine.

"I'm uh sorry I shoved you so hard and blamed you for messin' up the mission. Kanan told me everything and I feel guilty. Just wanted to tell you." Not getting a response Zeb left the room.

Ezra tried to curled up more and forced himself to go to sleep.

* * *

A few days passed before the two Jedi were able to have their training session. Ezra had woken up sick from the effects of a concussion and all the stress. Throwing up and dizzy, Hera had put him on bed rest and spent a lot of time trying to take care of him. She was concerned that when he hit his head it had caused damage and changed his personality. Advice and reassurance from a medical droid on the main fleet vessel calmed that fear. For the time being, she kept everyone out and let Ezra rest.

Out in the field, near the ship, Zeb was sitting on a rock not moving. His eyes were wide; Kanan was using him as the target in their training session. Kanan had bribed him with some credits in an attempt to get a small smile from his student. The Lesat was glad that the kid wasn't doing too well. He didn't want to be hit, even if it was with cartons.

Kanan watched as Ezra swung and missed every single time.

"Come on Ezra, focus. Use the force to feel your surroundings. I know you can do this." Kanan was trying to be nice but his patience was leaving him fast; even still, the youth's master kept his voice calm.

Ezra took off the helmet and switched off his light saber. He was done. Without a word he left going onto the ship.

"He's not doing so well is he boss?" Zeb said walking over to the older human.

"Think his head is still hurting? Maybe whacking it so hard broke him?" Even Zeb was getting concerned. Ezra hadn't really spoken to anyone, only when he had to and the kid had been skipping meals. His demeanor had changed; the youth seemed broken.

Kanan sighed. He had been trying as well to talk to Ezra, all he would get was 'yes master' or 'no master' in a distant voice. Any connection he tried with his padawan would be met with guarded resistance.

"I really messed up Zeb. I didn't trust him and jumped to conclusions. I should have listened to him before I passed judgement. Let's just hope he's ready for the mission tonight." Kanan said, both males watching Ezra disappear into the ship.

* * *

The mission went better than Kanan had hoped or had planned. Ezra had gotten more crates than was planned for the time given in his directive. When they had boarded the ship to see this they tried to congratulate him only to find that he had already left the hold and disappeared to a place in the ship. Sabine had tried to find him to talk to him and congratulate him on a good mission. Ezra was heading with clean clothes to the fresher for a shower.

"Hey Kid. Nice work out there. We're going out to eat in celebration, Kanan's treat. You can shower later." She smiled at him, hoping he would accept the offer. The Jedi sent her because of Ezra's small crush on the Mandalorian teen.

"No thanks…I'm not hungry. Just going to clean up and head to bed. You guys have fun." He looked down before heading into the fresher.

"Ezra, what's wrong?" She tried to walk to the door and continue the conversation but it shut in her face. She heard the water running soon after. The girl sighed and left to tell Kanan.

Hera and him were standing on the deck talking. Sabine walked over; they stopped and looked at her.

"He coming?" The older man asked. He frowned when she shook her head. Kanan reached up and rubbed his temples as he shut his eyes.

"This needs to stop. We need to find out what's bothering him love. I don't like him like this." The Twi-lek was no longer mad after seeing how hard Kanan was trying to fix the situation. She was just even more concerned.

"I tried to ask him but he shut the door in my face." The Mando said as she sat on a crate.

"I'll try talking to him tomorrow. Hera, you too. He has at least responded to you; right now you have the best connection with him." Kanan watched Hera nod. They waited for the former honor guard before they left for town.

Ezra let the water wash over him as he stared at the wall. He wasn't concentrating on the fact that he had gotten 5 more crates than expected. He immediately looked at the flaw he made. He hadn't been able to get the last crate. Ezra didn't know that it was empty; all he knew is he missed one. He had already convinced himself in the few minutes that the mission had been completed, that Kanan and the others were mad at him for leaving the one. He had failed again.


	5. Chapter 5: Trance

****Hey Guys! I tried to tone the chapter down a bit from the details and graphic content. I wrote this with my own experience along with the experience of my friend. She said she's taking the mindset of Kanan and what she went through after finding out I self-harmed many years ago; Don't remember much from those days to be honest. Just wanted to let you know it's been 5 years, on the 5th of being clean and I'm quite proud of my accomplishment. It's been really hard, but it's always good when you have great friends** **. Hope you enjoy the chapter** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 5: Trance**

Weeks passed and Ezra didn't get better; in fact, he seemed to become worse. He had yet to make another mistake on a mission, going above and beyond what was expected. But every time the teen, he would disappear, finding something wrong he had done, convincing himself that he had ruined the mission. Everyone was growing concerned with the youth's growing seclusion.

Each of the Spectres, including chopper had tried in their own ways to get Ezra to open up and tell him what was wrong. Each time they were met with a smile, or some kind of resistance to their caring question.

* * *

"Let's go for a walk." Kanan called up to his padawan. Ezra had been on top of the ship all day cleaning and scrubbing. It was his least favorite chore, but no one else would volunteer which meant he would be alone.

"Sorry Master, Hera needs me to scrub the ion scouring and work on some minor damages." The young padawan didn't look at him as he continued to scrub.

* * *

"Ezra, I'm going to a supply run. Hera gave us enough credits to stop by the sweet booth and get some things. You always know the best ones, why don't you come with me?" Sabine was standing in the hall speaking to the closed door.

"I'm lubricating chopper and getting him ready for an oil bath. Sorry." He had locked the door so they couldn't enter and continued to work on the little droid. He had shut off the astromech for questioning him as well. At least Chopper was easy to hide from.

* * *

Zeb had tried a different tactic. He bonded with his buddy through their little quarrels, so why not try it now? Zeb had been out and found something rank smelling. He made sure to marinate himself in it, hating the smell himself, and walked to the cabin going in. The youth was sitting at their table doing some maintenance to his lightsaber. He didn't even look up when Zeb walked in, he had come to learn that eye contact meant talking and talking meant fighting. Ezra shut his eyes before opening them remaining focused on his current task. The Lesat's smell was nauseating, but he didn't want to fight so he just ignored it.

Zeb walked right over to him.

"What are you doing kid? It's bedtime and I don't want to hear the sound of you tinkering away at that. Save it for the daylight hours." Zeb sounded gruff, but he knew that if the combination of the smell and telling the teen what to do didn't start something, nothing would.

"Sorry Zeb…" The older male watched in disbelief as Ezra put everything away, continuing to ignore the smell that burned even Zeb's nose, and climbed up into his bed without another word.

* * *

Hera had just continued to be motherly to him and observe him. She knew he wouldn't talk to her about it. Something was going on that she couldn't place, something bad. She shared her concerns with the boy's master one evening.

"I'm really worried about Ezra, Kanan. Zeb told me that he has tried everything to get Ezra in a fight with him. Chopper said that he's being nice and gave him an oil bath, and Sabine said he passed on getting sweets." Kanan didn't need the force to know how concerned the "mother" of the ship was.

"I know, I've tried talking to him and even turned Zeb into the target for practice. Kid just walked away. I don't remember being like this with my master…but maybe this is just a teenage phase?" Kanan was at a loss as he leaned against the back rest with his arms crossed.

"Possibly. I guess let's just monitor. He's doing excellent on missions so he's focused. He hasn't messed up once. If this goes on for too much longer we're strapping him down and giving him truth serum to get him to talk." The Twi-lek never planned to be that invasive about the youth's problems, but the situation needed to be lightened up somehow.

"Agreed. Maybe it's me…" Hera looked up at his words seeing that her friend's eyes were shut in concentration.

"You? I mean yeah this all seemed to start from that one mission. But normally Ezra would have been over it by now so it's not just you. Don't blame yourself."

"No, I mean look. Ever since he's moved to be away from me during missions, he's done really good. Even on the ops I've needed his help with I've kept him with the others because of how well he has been doing. I'm the one that had been distracting him. Do you think it's possible he doesn't want to train?" Kanan looked up at her. He wanted her to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but she wouldn't be able to erase the observations. She thought about it realizing that he was right.

"I don't think it's you love. Don't worry, we'll figure this out." The two continued to sit and talk late into the night. Their youngest Spectre was suffering and they needed to fix it.

* * *

Somehow Ezra had managed to continue avoiding everyone between missions. The teen would disappear into the city or somewhere on the ship during the day where he would stay hidden until curfew or a mission. Kanan had tried everything to get him to talk and open up, but Ezra would just lower his head like he was getting ready to be kicked and beaten. This greatly hurt the Jedi but not as worse as the fact that Ezra only called him master now.

Kanan wanted so badly to have that title when he was a youngling. He wanted to have a student by his side to call him master day in and day out. Right now, all he wanted was Ezra to call him Kanan, or Jerk, or anything besides 'Master'.

Enough was enough. Kanan knew he needed to fix his relationship with the boy. He volunteered for him and Ezra to stay behind the ship while the others completed an assignment. He talked better when he was alone and it was one on one.

Ezra didn't know his master had stayed behind as well. The teen thought that it was just him because of last night's mistake of not placing the detonator in the exact right place, accidentally smudging Sabine's bomb art. When they had arrived back on the ship, Sabine went to talk to him; thinking she was angry he quickly disappeared.

Ezra had grabbed his safety blanket from his room, his cure all, his drug that he had been relying on for the last month and a half. It was the only thing that he had that made the pain and the mistakes disappear for a small amount of time.

The teen reached the fresher, going in, letting the door shut behind him. It was better here. Easier cleaning up and he could hide the evidence better. If the others knew, they would just say he was a coward for not going all the way. They would be mad. Ezra had been a coward, he was too scared of dying, of losing his family.

Today was different. Ezra was going to show them he could complete a mission perfectly with no mistakes. He had waited for the day that he would be alone for a week now. In that time, he had convinced himself that he didn't have a family; the others didn't care about him. Maybe they would if he wasn't such a screw up.

He left no note, they wouldn't care. The others would be glad to be rid of him. Kanan wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. No more disappointments or failed missions. Everyone would be glad he was gone. No one would miss him. His parents were gone. He was alone in this world and always would be.

Ezra removed the top half of his jump suit down to his waist. He looked in the mirror at his body. It was littered in red cuts of varying shapes and sizes as well as different depths and ages. Some were infected from lack of care while others he took vigilant care of when he felt the need to. It had become a routine after every mission, after every mistake and flaw his mind discovered. Each time, the padawan would stare in the mirror at himself as a reminder of how worthless he was.

Ezra knew each series of self-inflicted wounds by their reasoning. The ones on his shoulder were because he forgot to put his blaster on safety; two under his ribcage was from forgetting to adjust the height of his lightsaber. The youth knew there were more inflictions that couldn't be seen, hidden under the remaining clothing, they didn't matter this time.

He unconsciously allowed the razor to travel where it wanted. Where ever he needed it most to release the agonizing pain inside. He could go deeper on his thighs than his arms and even deeper on his stomach. He looked away from the mirror at all his "failed" attempts of making his team mates happy, of making his master proud of him.

Ezra would weigh how bad of a mistake he had made and slice into his skin accordingly. As time progressed, the cuts continued to become deeper each session he had. As time progressed, his mind continued to believe that each error was worse than the last. This ritual had been going on since that first night after Kanan yelled at him.

He turned the water on not caring that it was scalding hot. It wouldn't matter soon anyway. Just another thing to make Hera glad that he was gone; no more water being wasted on a worthless creation. The boy sat down, still half clothed, in the shower stall. He leaned against the wall looking at his right arm. It was the limb that had taken the worst abuse. His long sleeves covered everything, so no one knew, not even his force sensitive master. Unless Kanan did know, and didn't bother with him. The teen had convinced himself that no one would care even if they did see.

He started out slow, drawing out his secret directive. When the others got back it would be complete and everyone could be happy. Ezra made small, shallow marks on his left arm, slowly making his way down before continuing on the right. The burning made the rest of his pain disappear. It eased his mind. All the thoughts and mistakes continued fading into the physical pain. It made him numb to everything.

He watched as his arms turned red as blood trickled delicately from the fresh marks. When the burning water hit, it would cause the crimson fluid to splash slightly, leaving little red splatters on the wall before running down the drain. Art; art that was only appreciated by the artist.

Ezra felt a tear slip from left eye, falling and mixing with the red. He ignored the rest that followed and slowly fell. It was weakness. Kanan hated weakness. His master hated him, he was too weak to be a Jedi. The padawan stared at the razor in his hand. It had been his only friend, comforting him and accepting him despite all his flaws. It would help him finally complete a perfect mission. Kanan would finally be proud.

As the razor slid across his wrist, Ezra made sure to add pressure. It didn't hurt, it was too deep. He felt the pressure and release. Through the force he could almost feel every cell and tissue what was severed. The blood was pooling fast; Ezra watched as it gracefully seeped from the wound and mixed with the water swirling and spinning until it got sucked down the drain disappearing from view forever.

* * *

Kanan was getting some food ready to bring to Ezra. He knew it wasn't breakfast time, but he had made the youth his favorite, space waffles. He stopped when he felt something. A disturbance in the force that made his heart stop and his blood run cold. He left the tray and took off up the ramp and through the hall. He opened Ezra's door to find the youth not there.

The Jedi began to feel panic rising in his mind; making his way through the ship finally stopping at the fresher. He didn't hesitate or knock before opening the door. Kanan lost all color when he saw the boy sitting on the floor in front of him in a trance.

Ezra was pale, he void of all color except for the red covering his arms and clothes. In his hand was the tiny piece of metal that had aided him in his last mission. Kanan's heart began pounding, his ears ringing. The force was swirling around him sending alarms through his whole body. His body and instincts took over, Kanan was no longer aware of what he was doing.

The older human rushed over to him and fell to his knees looking at his student's arms. He saw Ezra move and look at him; his eyes were void of life. He was still alive though, there was still a chance. Kanan grabbed the razor from Ezra's hand, ignoring it as it sliced into his palm, throwing it as far from the boy as he could. He located the sight of the fatal mark and gripped it tightly to try and stop the bleeding.

A small, involuntary sob came from Ezra's lips. Kanan didn't look up; he could feel that the youth was crying. He tried in vain to get the bleeding to stop. He reached around and grabbed his com with a blood stained hand.

"Spectre 2. Abort the mission. Get back to the ship now!" He let the link, the very thing that had destroyed their relationship, fall from his hand and clatter as it hit the floor. Blood soon swirled around it as if it had always been there, but Kanan didn't know. He didn't hear Hera trying to reach him on the link, her voice full of concern. Everything was silent around him, everything a blur but the teen in front of him. Time had stopped.

"Ezra you need to stay with me. Please stay with me. I can't lose you." The older male's voice cracked as he whispered to the boy in front of him. The boy that had become more than a student or a comrade. Ezra was like a son to him.  
He started to panic even more when Ezra started to slump before his body began falling sideways. Kanan caught him and cradled him not removing the pressure off his wrist.

As he held him, Kanan began to rock him back and forth like a parent would do to console their crying child after a bad nightmare. He continued to whisper and plead with him not to leave them.

He didn't hear the others arrive or Hera trying to get him to respond and answer him. His focus was on the light that was quickly fading out.

He barely felt it when Zeb ripped the boy away and out of his arms. He didn't' remember fighting, unaware of how much damaged he caused trying to get the boy back. They were taking Ezra away from him. Hera asked him what happened, but all that he could get out was that Ezra was so cold.

Sabine, stayed behind, hugging Kanan tightly trying to get some kind of response from him. Trying to explain that Hera was trying to help him, not take him away. He didn't hear her. She had been thrown against the wall along with Zeb and Hera. Sabine had never seen Kanan crying, never seen him like this.

The Jedi didn't see it coming when Zeb came back in and injected something into his neck. Kanan griped his neck feeling the stick but it was too late. The serum took action quickly, knocking their leader out causing the world to go black.


	6. Chapter 6: Right here

****So much easier writing the angsty stuff lol. Still have a few more chapters to publish. Hope you're enjoying.** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 6: Right Here**

When Kanan woke he quickly became aware of a multitude of things. First off, he had a severe migraine; One that was threating to make his head to explode. Then the man noticed his hand had been bandaged and wasn't very mobile. When he tried to move it he winced feeling the burning of a deep cut. Finally, there was the soft rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor.

The Jedi tried to remember what had happened to make him fall unconscious. What exactly had happened? Did a mission go wrong? When everything flooded him, he sat up panicked.

"Ezra!?" He got dizzy and started to fall. He felt gentle hands help him back down keeping a hand on his shoulder to hold him in place.

"Careful love…we had to give you a powerful sedative…it had some pretty nasty side effects. You've been out for four days." Hera's gentle voice calmed the panic in his head. It always did.

The Twi-lek felt a little guilty that they had given him a sedative meant for a much larger and hostile creature. The Twi-lek knew that he had been trained to resist drugs though and she needed to get him under control before he hurt himself or someone else. Her shoulder still felt out of place from being slammed into the sink when she tried to pry Ezra away from him.

Kanan remembered Ezra, trying once again to sit up.

"The kid! He's…." Hera pushed him down gently again keeping a little more pressure on him.

"He's alive and stable. Looks like you got to him just in time love." He could feel the bed shift and a little more pressure added to his shoulder as Hera pulled herself up to sit next to him. He noticed she was sitting on the edge of his bed; upon further inspection he discovered he was laying on his top bunk.

"We thought that you might be a little more rational waking up in your own room. It took all three of us and Chopper shocking you to get you to let go of Ezra. Sabine is still pretty shaken up about the whole thing." Hera kept her voice soft leaving out the part of the damage that he had inflicted on her crew and her ship. She gently picked up his injured hand letting him see the white bandages.

"You lost quite a bit of blood too. The wound is deep, all the way to the bones and it hit a large vein. It will take a while to heal." Kanan looked at his hand before dropping it. He wanted to get to Ezra, he needed to see that his padawan was alive with his own eyes.

Hera seemed to sense this, smiling softly as she helped him sit up. She waited a moment for the dizziness to subside from his mind before helping him climb out of bed.

The after effects of the drug were as debilitating as being hit on the head with Zeb's bow rifle, Kanan stumbled as his feet hit the floor and he would have fallen if Hera didn't catch him. His whole body felt weak and powerless. He realized quickly afterwards that he couldn't feel the force around him. He didn't like the feeling.

"What was that stuff...?" He asked gruffly, holding his head as it began to pound.

"A sedative designed for a creature larger and meaner than a Tauntaun. It does have a side effect of inhibiting force flow, so you might not be your usual self for a while." She quietly added as she guided him to the bed where his student was and helped him sit down.

Kanan looked the pale boy over. Ezra's arms were covered from top to bottom with white bandages. His eyes remained tightly shut. He looked dead; the only thing that convinced his master otherwise was the heart monitoring equipment hooked up to him sending out the steady beeping noise. It felt weird being unable to feel the bond between them. He didn't like it and never wanted to feel this; it was his greatest fear.

"Why…." Was all he could get out. Kanan's brain was still too foggy to form many words. He reached over and brushed Ezra's bangs out of his face. He felt his student stir and saw his eyes flutter open. He smiled softly out of true happiness, glad to see that he really was alive.

"Kanan?" Ezra exclaimed weakly; he was surprised to see his master. He had woken up slightly a day or so ago but didn't feel his master knowing nothing about the sedative. Ezra had just assumed that Kanan and the others had abandoned him and he was on some Imperial ship. He wasn't awake long enough for anyone to talk to him and explain.

"Yeah, it's me Kid. How are you?" He asked carefully. His voice was quiet.

Ezra shrugged weakly looking away. His eyes threatened to shut. His body and mind were still too weak to comprehend what all had happened. He did remember seeing Kanan crying and holding him. He felt fear. What had caused his master to cry?

"Just rest Ezra. We'll talk when you're feeling better." Kanan hesitated before adding.

"I'm glad you're still here…. please don't try to leave me again. I want to fix this…" Hera heard the desperation in his voice and she had seen it the other day when they were trying to get Ezra out of his arms to take care of him.

The youth nodded and shut his eyes going back to sleep. He still felt cold and alone. He had failed his mission; everyone hated him.

Kanan sat back slightly watching the boy sleep for a few minutes before Hera cut in.

"This needs to be addressed and soon Kanan. He's been harming himself for over a month from what I can tell. I didn't know he was this bad off; if I did, something would have been done." Hera didn't want to wait to bring it up.

"I didn't know either. I thought he was still just dwelling in the past…I remember feeling his emotions..." He frowned as a small blip of memory came through.

"He thinks we hate him, that we're disappointed and want him gone. Ezra thinks he's been failing everything. This is my fault…I should have listened…This happened because of me." Kanan's guilt weighed heavily. Hera put a hand on his shoulder.

"I believe all of us have some blame in this. Any one of us could have seen how bad he had gotten and tried to fix it. We did, just not hard enough for what the situation called for. We should be glad that he is still alive and spend the time to figure out how we can fix this so it won't happen again." Kanan just nodded and tried to think but his mind was too foggy. Hera noticed this.

"First let's get you fixed. You need to rest. Back in bed." She said gently as she helped him back up into the bed covering him. Kanan let her and was soon asleep again, powerless against the sedation. Hera hopped down leaving the room.

* * *

Sabine looked up when Hera walked into the room.

"How are they? Any change?" She asked quietly. She had seen so much destruction, but nothing like what she had witnessed on the ship. It didn't hit close to home, it demolished it in one shot.

"Both woke up, not for long though. I haven't told Kanan what he did, have you and Zeb gotten it fixed?" Hera watched the girl nod.

"Yeah, it took a lot of credits to find a replacement. Who knew Kanan could force push a closed and locked door off its track. I don't even think he knows he has that much power. Do you think it was the dark side?" Sabine looked back down playing with her Mandalorian helmet.

"No, that was Kanan being protective, there was no maliciousness in his actions. How are you doing?" Hera reassured her before asking, sitting next to the teenager.

"Still a little shaken, but I'll be fine. It's just…well …seeing Kanan like that. I've never seen him so scared. It's like he wasn't even there to witness what happened…. like he was trapped somewhere else in his mind." Hera was glad that the girl was opening up a little. She smiled sadly.

"He might have been. He witnessed his master's death. Seeing someone he was close to, seeing them that close to death probably brought back negative feelings from that dark time in his life. You know that his actions weren't him right? I mean they were…but not consciously." Hera didn't want Sabine to be scared of Kanan.

"I know. It will just take time. You know I don't trust easily."

"I understand. Just don't let it get out of hand and if there's a problem please come talk to me. How's your wrist?" Hera looked down at the girl's lap. Her hand hung limply in a make shift sling.

"It's fine, the bacta injection helped a lot." When she had been trying to get Kanan under control, he had ended up breaking her wrist. Unfortunately, of her dominant hand.

"I'll make sure to give you another tonight to make sure it continues healing properly. Do you need anything?" She asked the girl expecting her to say 'no'.

"A hug…maybe?" Sabine didn't look up but soon she felt the motherly arms wrap around, enveloping her in a warm, loving embrace. Hera gently stroked her hair and back.

The teenager allowed her to do this for a while before backing out of it.

"Thanks Hera." She gave a small smile. Hera knew that she would be okay. She got up and continued on her rounds of the ship. Zeb was out on an errand currently. She had already spoken to the Lesat; he was concerned about his friends, but the incident that had occurred didn't do much to faze him.

An hour later, Chopper came speeding into the room she was in beeping his language at her concerned.

"What?" She left the room heading for Kanan's. She opened to see the youth trying to get out of bed. He stopped when he saw her and looked down.

"Ezra, you need to be resting…You've lost a lot of blood…" She gently sat next to him not forcing him to lay back down.

"I don't want to be in here…" The youth said very quietly shaking his head keeping his eyes on the blanket covering him.

"It's easier in this room. Besides, it's best right now if Kanan is close to you…" Hera didn't know how much the teenager needed to know, but he needed to know that Kanan was concerned.

"Why? To make sure I don't mess anything else up?" Hera noted a feeble attempt at sarcasm and bitterness and smiled a little. At least there was a spark of the old Ezra.

"No, because after…well when we found the two of you, we had to battle Kanan and sedate him to get you away so we could treat you. He wouldn't let you go. He was terrified he was going to lose you." Hera watched him as it sank in.

"He…Kanan was worried about me?" He asked looking up at Hera. He locked eyes for a moment before looking down ashamed.

"I thought you guys didn't care. That you wanted me gone…I haven't gotten a single mission right and keep messing things up for everyone. I thought that…I thought that if I was gone you'd be happier." He felt Hera pull him into a tight hug.

"I don't know where you got that idea but it's wrong in all aspects. In fact, you haven't even noticed that you've been over achieving on missions. Everyone has been impressed at how well you've been applying yourself. Out of all of us, I think Kanan has noticed the most change." Ezra missed the shifting of the bed above them, but Hera knew he was awake and listening.

Ezra stayed silent, trying to make sense of everything. He was sure everyone hated him, especially his master.

"Why hasn't Kanan wanted to do any training then? Why haven't I been paired with him on missions? I'm either by myself or with Zeb or Sabine or Chopper but never him." Hera saw another tiny spark of the youth she knew; his questioning nature was starting to show.

"Kanan hasn't been doing training because he didn't want to force you into something and set you up for failure. He felt that you weren't feeling your best and just left you alone scared of making you worse. He didn't realize his good intentions had done the opposite. As far as the pair ups. Kanan thought that he was the one causing you to fail, that he was being some kind of distraction. You did so well with Sabine that one night before everything went crazy and then again every time you weren't with him."

"Wait, so Kanan thinks it's his fault. But it's not. All I wanted to do is impress him. Make him proud of me. I try so hard when I'm with him because I don't want to make him angry or disappointed…" The boy looked down again trailing off.

Ezra was unfocused because he was trying to make him proud. Kanan mused for a moment looking back at everything. It hit him, Ezra was trying to show off. He decided to let his presence known.

"Why did you think you needed to impress me?" The question was quiet, but it blared loud in Ezra's ear. He was scared at first but slowly calmed himself.

"Because I don't feel like I'm a good student. I can't seem to do anything right and when I do…well…I don't know…I always feel like it wasn't enough. I just want you to be proud to call me your student…I want to be the person you see instead of who I am…" The truth hit Kanan hard. He felt horrible.

"You're the best student I could have ever gotten Ezra. You remind me so much of myself that I forget you are your own person. I'm very proud of you and even when you make mistakes you do everything you can to fix them and learn from them. That makes me even more proud. Perhaps I am to blame because I do not give you enough credit. I admit, I have a hard time giving praise where it's due…Ezra if you give me another chance I promise I will try harder to be a better master." Hera smiled. She wished they could have communicated this a lot earlier instead of waiting until it was almost too late.

"You…You're proud of me?" Ezra looked up towards the voice in the top bunk.

"I'm not some kid that was a mistake…?" He added looking back down. Hera heard him shift around more before he jumped down landing a little roughly. She quickly moved so he could sit next to him.

"You heard me talking with Hera…didn't you? Ezra I'm sorry, I was venting…I didn't mean anything I said I was just...frustrated. It's hard to train you. Not because of you, but because I lack my own skills and the resources that I had growing up. That doesn't mean I'm not proud of you. Give me another chance, we can figure things out together?" Kanan looked at him with pleading eyes.

Images flashed of his student lying, dying on the floor in his arms. He suppressed the urge to shudder. He didn't want to even think about losing Ezra again. Ezra remained silent for a very long time; he needed to let everything soak in.

"I don't know…I need time to think…" He was being honest. He wanted to tell Kanan yes, but he wasn't sure if he could forgive himself still.

Kanan's face dropped to a sad expression before he looked away nodding.

"I understand…until you make a choice…just know that I'll be right here if you need me." Hera could hear the hurt in his voice. Ezra did as well. He could feel the force inside, he shut his eyes to better listen to it. He gave a small smile as Kanan stood to get back into his bed.

"I'll give you a second chance…as long as you promise something?" Kanan stopped and looked at him. He was desperate. He would do anything.

"Anything."

"I want to be paired back with you in missions…at least most of the time. That's when I learn best, when I'm experiencing things with you." Kanan smiled and nodded.

"Deal." Kanan came over and hugged him.

"Thank you." He released the hug.

"Okay, now both of you need to rest. Back in bed and if I see or hear of either of you getting up I'm giving Chopper permission to do what he feels necessary." The Twi-lek said smirking.

She made sure both were settled before leaving Chopper in charge, shutting off the lights.

"Kanan?" The youth said after a while.

"Kanan? You awake?" He couldn't feel his master and it bothered him.

"Hm?" Was the reply he got. He knew Kanan was awake enough to be able to answer a question.

"I can't feel you. I mean your signature. It's like you're not there anymore." He heard Kanan shifting around a little more, getting closer to the edge.

"Hera sedated me…it's one of the symptoms. It will be fine once it wears off." Silence fell between them for a little bit longer.

"Kanan?" This time Ezra didn't wait for a response. He had promised his master a second chance, and right now he needed advice. He wanted to feel better, Kanan always knew what to tell him.

"I still want to…you know…anytime I think of something negative I get an itch…I want it to go away." For a few moments he thought his master had fallen asleep. He heard a deep sigh followed by the sleepy voice.

"Self-harm is kinda like the dark side. Once it's entered you, it will always be there." The Jedi knew that this would be hard. He was going to have to keep an eye on his student at all times but he also knew that Ezra was strong and with the help from everyone, he would get better.

"Oh… _So I'm never going to get better…_ "

"It will get better, but it's a part of who you are now. You just have to realize that there are better things. You have people that care about you that you can talk to. You can rely on the Force to give you your answer. I'll be here…everyone will be here for you while you get better." Kanan felt the sedative starting to wear off. There was a slight familiar and comforting tingle beginning to show itself again. Along with that he felt his student fixing to ask another question. He beat him to the punch.

"Ezra?"

"Yes Master?"

"No more talking. Rest and we'll talk tomorrow. If you need me though, it's okay to wake me." His tone was soft, sleepy but still held his 'don't argue' tone. Ezra smiled slightly.

"Okay, good night Kanan."

"Night Kid."

Within moments the two were sleeping soundly. Chopper stayed in the room, remaining on guard duty just in case. He couldn't pass up an opportunity to shock one of the crew members.


	7. Chapter 7: In the End

****Hey guys! I sent the wrong story! Here's the actual edited final draft! Sorry!** ~Ocean**

 **Chapter 7: In The End**

"You doing alright Kid?" Zeb said gruffly over his comlink.

They had got separated during the current mission when Ezra shut the door of the hall to keep Stormtroopers from getting to Zeb and the supply crate he was towing. The youth was currently in the air ducts trying to get back to where he was supposed to be. His mind was becoming clouded; he wanted to give up. He had failed again.

He felt a small, gentle push from his master's force signature reassuring him that everything was fine. Kanan had felt his student's mind slipping. These days he was frequently having to do this but he was willing to.

"Yeah Spectre 4, I'm fine. Almost to you." He responded. Shortly after, he reached the vent opening and jumped down landing softly next to Zeb and his master, who had shown up.

"Do you have the disc Spectre 6?" The leader asked casually. Ezra took a holo disc from his pocket and flipped it up so Kanan could see, grinning.

"Right here Spectre 1." He pocketed it again waiting for his next orders.

"Great, let's get out of here." The alarms were going off and as they moved down the halls they were having to take out Imperial troops. Kanan had actually missed this; missions were no fun if there wasn't risk involved. Getting to take out troopers was an added bonus.

"Spectre 2, we're ready for that pick up a little earlier than intended." The Jedi stated as he took out an imperial by deflecting a blaster shot back at him.

"Maybe if you don't alert the whole base love you wouldn't need such a quick pick up and you would be able to meet me at the rendezvous point. I'll be there as soon as I can shake these TIEs" Ezra heard her voice.

He dropped his head slightly blaming himself for causing the whole base to sound the alarm. Kanan sensed this and as they reached the outside of the base, he stopped so they could catch their breath and wait. He fried the door controls so the troops would have to move around the long way to get to them.

"It's not your fault Ezra." He knew the youth didn't believe him. They would talk later, for now they had more pressing matters.

Sabine dropped down from above.

"I have the detonations planted. Just say the word and this place will light up. I see you guys ran into trouble." The Mando exclaimed with childlike excitement.

"No, not trouble. Just some unexpected guests. Nothing we can't handle." Kanan said defensively. He knew that Ezra was sensitive to things that were said still. He wasn't up for their normal sarcastic banter back and forth; he was taking it too personally.

Ezra looked up as Hera swooped down landing gracefully opening the ramp. The rebels started to run for it. Hera came down the ramp providing back up as the Stormtroopers started flooding in from the side. Kanan noticed that Ezra was lagging as he continued to try and fend off the bucket heads.

Hera had gone back in to take off, the ramp started to shut as she lifted into the air.

"Come on kid!" Ezra turned to look at him, nodding and running towards them, jumping on to the ramp, sliding in before it shut. This was his first mission back, he wanted to show everyone he could do things right and he had failed again.

As he stood up, Ezra felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. It was slightly comforting, but foreboding at the same time.

"Let's talk." Kanan kept his voice low as he left the cargo hold.

Ezra just nodded mutely following his master up and onto the top of the ship leaving Zeb and Sabine behind wondering what happened. Ezra walked towards the cockpit windows watching the clouds as they passed through them. He crossed his arms to guard himself from the wind and his feelings. At least they weren't battling anymore, Hera was too high up to be spotted by TIEs, so she continued to just cruise.

Ezra sensed Kanan walk up behind him but didn't turn around.

"You did really good Ezra." Kanan smiled, he had been working hard to make sure his student was praised often. He saw his student look down. The smile left him and was replaced with a frown.

"I messed up…I got separated and that cost us time…We could have been out sooner..." He grabbed his elbow with the opposite hand.

"We could have, but we weren't." The Jedi stepped next to him looking in the same direction. He sighed. He felt like this was the hundredth time explaining this to Ezra, but he would do it a thousand more times if that's what it took for the youth to understand.

"We don't expect perfection Ezra. I don't expect perfection. My master always told me that perfection can destroy you. When you make mistakes, you are learning. If you don't make them, then I have nothing left to teach you." He spoke calmly continuing to stare ahead.

"But I still have so much to learn from you master. I hardly know anything." Ezra looked over to him in disbelief.

"And I'm learning alongside you Ezra. I learn many skills from you and because of you, I strive to do my best so that I can in turn teach what I know to you." Kanan tried his best to sound like his master. He knew that he was nowhere close; he could never really master speaking like a Jedi Master. Their words still confused him most of the time.

"I guess I just don't want to disappoint you…" The youth looked down again ashamed. Kanan turned to him.

"Then just be yourself Ezra. I'm proud of you for who you are. I don't want some perfectionist student. You bring so much life to this crew. Without you here, life would get rather dull. You just have to remember that everyone messes up. Zeb lets his anger get to him and acts before he thinks, Hera miscalculates mission stats, Sabine let's her heritage best her sometimes, and I make bad decisions on missions and I tend to act harshly when I'm frustrated. If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't be who we are." Ezra relaxed a little, Kanan gave him a reassuring squeeze.

"Yeah, I guess everything would be boring…But how do I know if I make a bad mistake? I still don't want to…" Kanan felt that he had almost broken through the barrier of Ezra's mind, he interrupted his student calmly.

"I will tell you if you have made a mistake that should not have been made. That's my job as your master, to teach and show you the right way. It's your job though, to learn from your mistakes and do what you can to fix them. As far as I can tell, you already do that." Ezra nodded staying silent for a while.

Kanan sighed thinking he didn't get his message across once again. It had been too jumbled and he rambled too much. It was hard addressing this situation. Jedi never acted like this, suicide was prohibited. He wasn't going to shut Ezra out because of it though. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he lost the kid.

"Thanks Kanan…" He looked over to his student. Ezra still didn't feel like his normal self, but Kanan's words comforted him somehow.

"It's going to take time for things to go back to normal isn't it?" He asked quietly.

"It will, and things will never be exactly the same. What happened has reshaped your destiny. Just know that we're a family Ezra." Kanan moved and put his arm around Ezra's shoulders in a comforting hug.

"And we'll be there for you no matter what." Hera walked up behind them to the other side of the youth and mimicked Kanan's gesture. Hera rested her head against Ezra's in a motherly way to reassure him that she would never leave him.

"Yeah kid, can't get rid of us that quickly." Came the Lesat's gruff voice behind them.

"We'll always be a family." Sabine chimed in. Chopper whirled his own sentimental words at the youth.

Ezra relaxed into the embraces of his surrogate parents as he watched the sky change colors as night began to fall. He knew that in the end, everything was going to be fine as long as he had his family.

"So did you ever tell Kanan what happened?" The words slipped out before Ezra could stop himself. He felt Kanan tense a little.

"What happened? Hera, what's he talking about?" Kanan gave Hera a questioning look. Ezra realized that his answer was 'no'.

"Well, hate to leave this sentimental gathering but I uh, promised chopper another oil bath. See ya." Ezra bolted heading for the hatch hopping down and disappearing.

"Yeah, I have to finish some repairs." Sabine didn't want to be around when Kanan was addressed about the damage. Her wrist still hurt, but Kanan had already apologized. He didn't know about the door though.

She followed suit along with the other two leaving Kanan and Hera on top alone. When it came to Hera's ship, everyone knew the consequences of damaging it. The wrath of a Twi-lek was not to be handled lightly.

The older male chuckled along with Hera.

"Just kidding. I know what happened. I'm still sorry about that." Him and the Twi-lek had already spoken about the situation involving a costly door repair.

"I know, but I'm going to keep reminding you until you finish paying off that door Kanan Jarrus." Hera smirked turning and heading for the hatch as well.

"I know I know." He continued to talk and apologize as Hera flashed him another smile disappearing down the hatch.

The Jedi smiled and shook his head following her back into the ship. Shortly after, he heard a loud crash followed by shouting and yelling before the normal train of pissed off spectres running down the hall passed him.

Maybe things would never be the same, but it would be close enough. The Jedi smiled and made for the cockpit to prepare for their next mission.


End file.
